May 3, 2010

One of the things that makes me the most uncomfortable is when I begin to notice patterns in things. Looking at one’s life dialectically will do this to you. You start to notice what changes in relationship to what doesn’t. The things that transition easily and the things that cause struggle and strife all the way. Those subjects which appear immovable, that which flows.

And these observations are held within our constructs of time. That which is different now from how it was. That which is the same and remains the same. That which moves rapidly.

But when we continue on our trajectory through time, but notice that perhaps we have not changed past situations – it is a truly frightening moment. To come to a new place, space, time and situation but hold the same feelings as before carries a tone of childish notions and a stubbornness.

like when you find yourself quietly putting away things and articles. Knowing full well that they’ve been lying around for weeks. Knowing that the reason now is the time to put them away, is because you’re avoiding something else. Knowing that confrontation is still difficult to conceive. That the conversations are unpleasant, so sometimes its better to avoid them. While pondering this familiar sense of dodging, knees give out and you simply sit down in the closet. This feels like something you’ve felt before. Like a thin sheet of ice lining your skin.

What stone has been left unturned? What haven’t we figured out yet? What’s stunting my growth? Fearing conflict is natural. But after noticing various enough patterns of injustice, it becomes impossible to not speak. Mouth dry and dusty, you begin to articulate. But here lies yet another problem, if your voice is rusty how do you know you shall say the right things? How do you know that you will be convincing enough to break the patterns and shatter the chains of routine?

And how do these personal aspects which need some nurturing affect the political. If confrontation about a subject only becomes perfected when it is dire, how will the eloquence become the norm? How do we change what we have only begun to notice as a problem?

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